


There Is Only Before

by StoriesForAll



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Hogwarts, Hogwarts First Year, Other, Post-Sirius Black's Prank on Severus Snape
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:01:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28424385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StoriesForAll/pseuds/StoriesForAll
Summary: Remus tries to understand everything that led to this moment.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 5





	1. First Year, 1971

Remus Lupin learned at a young age that it’s better to keep people at arm’s length. If you let them get too close there was always a chance they would dig too deep and find out facts about his life no one should ever know.

That way of thinking worked until he was 11. Until Hogwarts, until lonely nights in the shack, until meeting his friends who despite his protests always poked and prodded. Specifically, Sirius, who took pride in knowing them all, every nook and cranny. The heir of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black could never quite deal with being left in the dark.

A surge of anger wells up in Remus but he quickly tampers it down. Yes, Sirius did on many accounts try to hear any and all of his friend’s secrets, Remus’ in particular. The teenage werewolf realizes now that this was a diversion. For in the midst of all this secret-sharing there was never a moment where Sirius had to reveal many of his. At least not the ones that mattered.

If Sirius found himself revealing too much, through jokes that didn’t make the others laugh or offhand comments that caused James to pull him aside for a late-night confessional. He would retreat into himself until one of them could coax him out of his mood.

Remus swallows around the lump in his throat. Of course, before the prank, Sirius was starting to become more open. To reveal the darker bits and pieces of his life and now there’s no telling how long it will take him to open back up again.

Remus should have known how bad it had gotten. Should have recognized that Sirius’ more recent reckless and nearly fatal decision making had a root cause.

* * *

When the boys first arrived at Hogwarts, it had been James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter. Then in a few week’s time, it became _JamesandSirius_ , and slowly as trust was earned it became _JamesSiriusRemusandPeter_ and now it was simply the _Marauders_.

In the midst of mischief and numerous well-earned detentions, there was true friendship. Probably the truest friendship Remus had ever known. Now, looking at his best friend, pale and unmoving in one of the Potter’s guest room beds he could feel the anger returning.

_How had he not seen it?_

Sirius was partially to blame, of course, the stubborn git had always had a way of throwing attention off himself. Of making the terrible things in his life seem not so bad as if he had put a glamour charm on everything he touched.

Luckily, Remus can see clearly now, everything Sirius has been hiding since their very first year.

* * *

The boat ride to the castle felt long and short at the same time. Remus’s stomach was in knots and he knew he wasn’t alone. Over to his left, Peter who he had met on the train ride over was looking green around the gills.

“Don’t be scared Petey,” Sirius said. Ruffling the pudgy boy’s hair. The nickname clearly wasn’t welcome as Peter shot him an annoyed look. “We’re about to embark on an adventure.”

“I’m not scared,” Peter huffed, annoyed but also looking slightly less tense now. Remus looked over at Sirius who was the picture of calm.

“Of course you aren’t,” Sirius replied, winking cheekily at Remus. Remus had to hide his own half-smile. He wanted to roll his eyes at the boys teasing but it was difficult when Sirius’s smile was aimed in his direction.

“Oi! Lay off him,” James said somewhere behind Remus. They had only known each other a few hours now but Remus could already tell James Potter was someone who strived to keep the peace. To make sure everyone was happy, the same way he naturally seemed to be.

Once at the castle, the first years gasped in awe. There was something about seeing this place up close and realizing this would be their home that took Remus’ breath away. After being escorted to the Great Hall and lining up in a single file. The knot in Remus’s stomach returned. The entire school was staring at the first years as they prepared to go under the sorting hat.

“Alright, Lupin?” Sirius asked, breaking him out of his nervous thoughts.

Remus looked over to see Sirius watching him. “I..uh..yea just nervous,” he spluttered. There was no use in lying. “Are you not even a bit scared right now?”

Sirius smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes. “No, I’m not nervous,” Sirius replied. His smile quickly faded.

“I already know where I’ll be sorted,” Sirius revealed stealing a glance at the Slytherin table. There wasn’t much talking after that.

When it was his time Sirius walked up to the sorting hat with a grace 11-year-olds surely were not supposed to have. The hat sat atop his head for a time until finally, it belted out, “Gryffindor!” The table adorned in red and gold erupted into cheers but Remus watched as Sirius sat still in disbelief. A few older students from Slytherin were jeering rudely. It took prodding from McGonagall for Sirius to stand up and walk away from the sorting hat.

“Don’t be scared Siri,” Peter joked as Sirius walked towards the Gryffindor table looking positively ill.

“Ha, ha,” Sirius replied. He took his seat, shoulders slumped slightly. All grace and poise, temporarily forgotten.

After what felt like ages Remus found himself getting sorted into Gryffindor. He sat down next to Sirius who threw a thumbs up his way but still had a grave look on his face. Once Peter and James got sorted into Gryffindor it seemed as though the stars were aligning just right.

“Look at us, all in the same house!" James exclaimed before sitting down.

“Cheers!” Peter and Remus replied. Sirius didn’t say a word.

“Black, everything alright?” Remus asked while the others were distracted by the ceremony.

Sirius looked over seemingly ready to spill but something inside him seemed to shutter. He raised his head and gave Remus an easy-going smile; the picture of calm.

“Of course Lupin.” He replied. “Everything is _perfect_.”

There was a biting edge to his voice. Remus didn’t ask any more questions after that.

* * *

In the whirlwind of their first week, Remus will be the first to admit he wasn’t paying much attention to his roommates or what was going on in their lives. They were fun to be around and generally amiable when they weren’t asking Remus too many questions about his childhood or the scar on his back he’d accidentally let them see. Throughout the week, while he had been figuring out how to balance seven subjects his roommates had barely cracked a book open.

Particularly James and Sirius who spent more time working on pranks or messing with the girls in their year than their work. Peter was a dutiful student, but his constant worrying made it difficult for Remus to be around him long. This is why on a Friday afternoon when most students were getting ready to walk the grounds or head to the quidditch pitch Remus was looking forward to having the room to himself. The full moon was a week away and he needed to get a leg up on his school work.

Once he walked through the door he realized he wasn’t alone. James and Peter’s beds were empty, with books strewn about and exploding snap cards littering the floor but Sirius’ bed curtains were closed. Remus froze once he heard sniffling coming from Sirius’ direction. Before he could decide whether to leave or stay the floor creaked beneath his feet and the sniffling quickly stopped. Sirius poked his head around the curtain soon after, his eyes red-rimmed from crying.

“Oh it’s you,” Sirius said, his voice a bit wobbly. “Expected everyone to be out and enjoying the sunshine.”

Remus stepped closer and put his books down on his bed. “Uh...me too,” he rubbed the back of his neck feeling awkward. Then he got a distinct feeling like he shouldn’t ignore Sirius’ obvious crying. “You alright there mate?”

Remus looked away and pretended to be tidying up his bed as Sirius wiped his eyes. “Yea..fine.” There was a moment of tense silence before Remus sat down and looked across at the other boy. “Rough first week?”

If things had been tough for Sirius he hadn’t made it obvious. “You could say that,” Sirius replied. He then gathered up a stack of letters that were sitting on his bedside table and handed them to Remus. He flipped through them seeing the names Walburga and Orion on the front in incredibly neat handwriting.

“What are these?”

“Letters from my parents, expressing their disdain of me being sorted into Gryffindor.” Remus looked at him in alarm. “I’m expected to be switched into Slytherin by next week.”

Remus started to open a letter and then looked up at Sirius for approval. Sirius gave him a slight nod but he looked nervous, an expression Remus hadn’t seen on him, not even that first night in the Great Hall. The letters were short and to the point but they still packed a punch. No wonder Sirius had been crying. If Remus’ parents sent him letters telling him he was dishonoring them and bringing shame to their family name because of a decision he had no control over he’d have the same reaction.

"Sirius..” his voice trailed off. What was the right thing to say?

He settled for, “I’m sorry.”

Sirius shot him a watery smile. “Nothing I haven’t heard before,” he replied. He seemed to be trying to lighten the mood. “It’s just,” he started to say, not making eye contact with Remus any longer. “It would be nice if my parents could be happy for me." The _for once_ was silent but Remus heard it anyway.

There were tears in Sirius' eyes again and Remus struggled with how to respond. “I bet they are happy for you, just a bit shocked is all and not used to change."

Before either of them could say anything else James and Peter burst through the door. “Told you they would be here Peter,” James said, before taking off his robes and throwing them onto his bed.

Sirius grabbed the letters from Remus and stowed them under his pillow while wiping his eyes. He cleared his throat quietly before turning and facing James. “Lupin and I were trying to get some peace and quiet to do homework but I guess that won’t be happening now.” If he wasn't concerned, Remus would be highly impressed at the ease at which the lie left Sirius' mouth. 

James pulled a face. “You were doing homework?”

Sirius shot him a dazzling grin, “well not exactly, prank planning is more accurate.”

After that, the room was a flurry of excitement. Remus realized he wouldn’t be getting any homework done and the sorting incident wasn't spoken of again.


	2. Second Year, 1972

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus only remembers Sirus being quiet on one occasion.

Remus opens his eyes and for a moment forgets where he is. That’s until he looks to his left and sees James fast asleep in a chair next to him, softly snoring. His friend awakens suddenly when there is a knock on the door and Euphemia Potter peeks her head in.

“Thought you boys could use some tea,” she says before placing a tray on Sirius’ bedside table. It takes a moment before her eyes leave the pale boy on the bed.

Remus smiles gratefully as he takes a cup of tea from the tray. He holds back a sigh of contentment as the liquid warms him up.

“Any idea when he’ll wake up mom?” James asks. He’s clearly worried, an emotion that doesn’t look right on James’ face.

Euphemia looks troubled. “He gained consciousness briefly last night but we have to give him time dear.” She replies. “His body needs rest.”

Remus can’t help but frown at that. On a normal night, Sirius did sleep like the dead but seeing him like this pale and unmoving was unsettling. He knew James was thinking the same as they watched their friend. 

“Ever seen him this quiet?” James asks, trying to bring levity to the situation. 

Remus tries to smile but he knows it’s strained. “Only on rare occasions.”

* * *

In their second year after James and the others had caught on to Remus’ furry little secret, there had been a confrontation. It was short and to the point but it had thrown Remus’ entire world into a tailspin - even if just for the morning. 

Remus had been carrying around his secret for 12 years with only adults knowing the truth and he liked it that way. Adults could be trusted, 12-year-old boys not so much. 

“We know what happens when you disappear every month,” James said. The glasses clad boy was telling Remus a fact and there was no room for the young werewolf to deny it.

He felt as if his heart had dropped to his stomach. The moon the night before hadn’t been particularly good and he was still feeling the effects of it. Mix in his closest friends finding out the truth about him and you would get a cake created out of a bundle of anxiety.

“Well,” he replied, looking each of them in the eye. “I guess that’s it then.”

James and Sirius shared a confused look while Peter stood nervously twiddling his thumbs. Remus quickly began gathering his belongings while trying not to look at the reactions of his roommates. He wasn’t sure he could bear seeing signs of relief on their faces.

“Uh...mate,” James started to say while lightly placing a hand on Remus’ arm. “What are you doing?”

Remus froze. “Packing.”

“Right...why?”

At that Remus whipped around. “Aren’t you planning on telling the other students?” He asked. “There’s no way I can stay here now.”

“So it’s true then?” Another voice spoke up. “You’re a werewolf.” It was Sirius and there was no fear Remus could detect in his voice but there was something there. 

“I think that was made pretty clear,” James replied. 

Sirius snorted.

“This is amazing Remus!” Sirius said excitedly. “Why didn’t you tell us?”

Remus was truly confused. “This isn’t amazing Sirius.” He replied. “One slip up and I could be kicked out of Hogwarts.” 

Sirius’ smile faltered. 

“Sorry Remus I know it’s not a joke,” the boy replied before placing a comforting hand on Remus’ shoulder. “We won’t tell anyone.”

There was a beat of silence.

“Right?” At that Sirius gave James and Peter a look that had them vigorously nodding their heads in agreement. Remus forgot how intimidating Sirius could be at times. 

“How did you lot figure it out anyway?” Remus asked. There was no use resorting to anger when it was clear his roommates would not allow the secret to leave this room.

“I had a hunch for a while,” Sirius admitted. “James here recently figured it out and of course immediately had to ask you about it.” Sirius shook his head. “No tact this one.”

James turned towards his friend wide-eyed looking ready to argue. “There’s no need to deny it,” Sirius said in that haughty tone he sometimes didn’t realize he was using. 

Remus sat back down on his bed and Peter tentatively sat down next to him while Sirius and James sat down on Sirius’ bed looking like they were nearly bursting at the seams with questions. Before they could say another word Remus spoke up. Feeling a bit more relaxed.

“I’m a bit surprised you would still want to room with me Black,” he joked. “Seeing as I’m a half-breed and all.”

Sirius blanched.

“No witty rebuttal Sirius,” James said with a smirk. “This is a first.”

The atmosphere became normal again, the playfulness returning and soon Remus forgot why he had ever been scared for his secret to be known. These were his closest friends after all. 

* * *

Later that night when the four of them were getting ready to head down to dinner Sirius was sitting on his bed staring off into space. Now that Remus thought about it Sirius hadn’t said much of anything since earlier. 

“Sirius, you ok?”

Remus watched as Sirius’ demeanor changed. Going from downtrodden to relaxed within moments. How he did that the young werewolf would never understand.

“Yea, fine,” Sirius replied. “Starving actually.”

Remus gave him a small smile. Something was telling him Sirius was lying but he wasn’t exactly sure what could have happened to make Sirius upset within a few hours' time. 

“If James wasn’t taking so long in the bathroom maybe we could get a move on,” Sirius said this unnecessarily loud and it wasn’t long before James stuck his head out the bathroom door and sent a glare Sirius’ way. 

“Trying to get my hair to cooperate,” James replied. “We are about to see Evans.”

Remus, Peter, and Sirius all groaned. “Good luck with that mate we’ll be heading down now.”

It didn’t take long for James to abandon trying to tame his hair and quickly scurry to Sirius’ side. Not one to be left out of anything. 

* * *

At dinner, everything was almost perfectly normal. Lily ignored James each time he tried to attempt conversation, Peter was helping himself to more food, and Dumbledore was surveying the students with a benign smile. 

The only part of dinner that caught Remus’ attention was the fact that Sirius wasn’t talking. He was moving the food around on his plate and stealing glances at the Slytherin table but he wasn’t telling jokes or poking fun at James’ flirting. Something was definitely wrong. 

“What happened Sirius I thought you were starving?” Remus asked, hoping to get a reaction of any kind. Although they had only known each other for two years Remus was starting to be able to read Sirius, at least 90% of the time. Tonight happened to fall in the 10% range.

Sirius smiled half-heartedly. “Not as hungry as I thought.” He pushed his plate towards Remus and Peter. “One of you can have it.” 

“Oh no, you’re not getting ill are you Sirius?” Mary Macdonald asked. 

The boys blinked at her and Sirius jumped slightly, surprised she had been listening to their conversation. It had come to Remus’ attention that the girls were starting to talk to them more. Remus still wasn’t sure what this meant exactly but he couldn’t help but notice the vested interest Mary had taken in Sirius.

Sirius sat there for a moment before replying. “I’m fine.” 

James was looking at him concerned and soon James and Sirius were having a silent conversation with just their eyes. Remus noticed that had been happening more often too.

“I’m going to head to bed early,” Sirius said before quickly getting up. Of course, at that exact moment, Severus Snape came walking by and the two of them collided.

“Oi! Watch it.”

There was a scoff. “Of course it’s you,  _ Black _ .”

Sirius dusted himself off and rolled his eyes not looking like he wanted to put up much of a fight. 

“Are you too good to apologize?” Snape asked. His signature sneer painted on his face. Remus couldn’t help but roll his eyes at the Slytherin boy’s immaturity.

Sirius huffed. “It was an accident,  _ obviously _ .”

There was that haughty tone again. It always did come out at the worst of times. 

Snape bristled. “Now, now Sirius, you can do better than that.” It looked as if he was prepared to grab his wand and this put all of them on edge. James looked ready to hop in and defend Sirius at a moment's notice but before he could Lily spoke up.

“Oh Severus leave him alone,” she said. “He’s not worth it.”

There was a moment of silence and James sent a withering glare in the redhead's direction, temporarily forgetting he was trying to woo her. Remus felt stuck unsure of whether to hop to Sirius’ defense or try and de-escalate the situation. They really didn’t need any more detentions.

Severus turned his beady eyes on Sirius. “You’re right Lily  _ he’s  _ not worth it, but I thought I would give Sirius here a chance to apologize so it doesn’t get back to his parents that he’s continuously disrespecting Slytherins.”

Something in Sirius’ face hardened.

“I don’t think they’d like that very much and I heard they’re not too fun to be around when they’re angry.” At that, the greasy-haired boy walked away looking triumphant.

Remus mulled over Snape’s words. There was something knowing in his tone that wasn’t sitting right with him.  _ They’re not too fun to be around when they’re angry _ . Remus soon found himself thinking about the sorting incident and realized he did know just how cruel Sirius’ parents could be.

Remus looked up and realized Sirius was still standing there, the look on his face a mix of fury and...worry? 

“Just ignore him mate,” James said softly. 

At that Sirius seemed to snap back into himself. “It’s fine,” he replied before holding his head high and stalking out of the Great Hall. James looked like he wanted to go after him but decided against it.

“Remus you should talk to him,” James said. 

“Me?”

“He’s been acting weird since before dinner and well he’s not going to tell me what’s wrong,” James said. “Hates it when I worry.”

_ Oh _ so James noticed Sirius’ behavior too but he wanted Remus to be the one to figure out the root of the problem. “Right..ok.”

“Ignore him if he snaps at you and be prepared for yelling.”

James laughed slightly at the look on Remus’ face. “Just kidding,” he shared a look with Peter then looked back at Remus, “maybe.”

* * *

Once he exited the Great Hall Remus was at a loss. Hogwarts was full of hiding spots and Sirius knew nearly all of them. At that moment he wished he had taken Sirius and James’ suggestion to make a map of the school more seriously.

“If I was Sirius Black where would I go to clear my head,” Remus muttered to himself. He could cross their dormitory off the list considering no one believed Sirius when he told them he was going to bed. He figured the broom closets, quidditch pitch, and secret passageway into Honeydukes wouldn’t fit this occasion. Remus stepped outside figuring that walking the grounds would be his best bet and once he looked up at the stars he knew exactly where Sirius would be.

“Thought I might find you here,” he said, only slightly out of breath from climbing the Astronomy Tower stairs.

Sirius didn’t say a word at first. Just kept looking up at the sky, clearly deep in thought. Remus couldn’t help but wish he was a mind reader at that moment like one of those characters in an old muggle comic his mother showed him once. He was desperate to know what was going on in Sirius’ head, lucky for him Sirius was open to sharing just this once.

“I’m nothing like them you know.”

Remus was shaken out of his thoughts at Sirius’ voice. It was small, nearly a whisper and he had to step farther inside to make sure he heard his friend correctly. “Nothing like who?”

Sirius turned towards him. “My parents.”

Remus frowned. “Of course you’re no-”

“I know at times I can be cruel but I have to believe that…” 

His voice trailed off and Remus placed a comforting hand on Sirius’ shoulder. Sirius didn’t shake him off which was a good sign. “Where is this coming from?” He was met with silence. 

“Sirius you’ve been unusually quiet all night, this is probably the least I’ve seen you talk since I met you,” he said. “If something’s wrong and it has to do with your parents you can tell me...you know that.”

Memories of the sorting incident hung in the air.

“I don’t consider you a half-breed,” Sirius replied in that same small voice. He was facing away from Remus again, talking more to the expanse of stars above them. “I would never call you that and I don’t believe that werewolves should be locked up or registered with the ministry and monitored.” Sirius continued on, apparently needing to get this off his chest. “My parents think that way, not me.”

Remus wasn’t sure how to respond.

“If they knew we were friends...well unpleasant words would be said,” Sirius closed his eyes briefly as if remembering something troublesome. “Doesn’t matter anyway, I would never stop being friends with you and their words could never make me think less of you.”

After speaking Sirius seemed to deflate as if he had used all of his remaining energy to get those words out. Remus couldn’t help but feel a bit guilty. His joke from earlier had not been taken as one and now, here Sirius was hating himself for being born into a family he didn’t ask to be apart of.

“I know you don’t think like them Sirius,” Remus replied, also speaking in low tones. “I was only kidding and I’m sorry if I offended you.”

Sirius turned toward him looking relieved and a bit sheepish. “Of course you were kidding Remus,” Sirius said. “It’s just my family…”

"Is a touchy subject,” Remus replied. “I understand.” At that, he couldn’t help but think about Sirius and Snape’s altercation at dinner. 

“Is that why you got so mad at Snape?”

Sirius stiffened and turned away again. “Snivellus doesn’t know what he’s talking about,” he muttered. 

_ They’re not too fun to be around when they’re angry. _

“Yes it would be odd for Snivellus to know more about you than your own best friends I suppose,” Remus replied. He didn’t want Sirius to have to talk about his family all night but something was still bothering him. “Just for my own curiosity…” Remus started to say, building up courage. “What did he mean by they’re not too fun to be around when they’re angry?” 

“Nothing, everything Snivellus hears about me is rumors from my cousins.” He replied. “Besides, you're the one who had to deal with your life-altering secret becoming known I’m sure your day was tougher than mine.”

Remus had nearly forgotten his day had started out with the world tilted on its axis.

“Actually it wasn’t.”

* * *

After finishing their tea and a few biscuits Remus and James continue to watch Sirius. The two of them are too wound up to sleep anymore and there’s no point in trying to keep up a conversation. Instead, James and Remus sit and wait. 

Then right on cue as if the universe knows they are both running out of patience, their friends' eyes flutter open. 

Sirius wakes up looking confused and it takes him a moment to grasp his surroundings. Then as if finally registering where he is. Sirius’ eyes meet James then Remus’. “Oh, wasn’t expecting to see you,” Sirius says, in a small voice Remus remembers hearing in their second year. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, the entire world is in shambles so forgive me for taking a long time to get this chapter up. Hope you enjoy it!


	3. Third Year, 1973

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus realizes things escalated during third year.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me this long to update. Trying notes at the beginning of the chapter since every time I do them at the end it repeats. Hope you enjoy!

It’s as if hearing Sirius speak awakens the anger Remus has been pushing down.

“Yeah well I wasn’t going to come but...” his voice trails off and he gestures weakly to James who still hasn’t looked away from Sirius.

At those words, Sirius nods but Remus can tell he has hit a nerve. He almost apologizes but then thinks better of it. Let Sirius suffer. It doesn’t take long for that voice in his head to pipe up: _hasn’t he suffered_ _enough_?

“Padfoot oh thank Merlin,” James breathes out before gently squeezing Sirius’ leg. Sirius flinches slightly but it doesn’t take long for him to put his emotionless mask back in place. Remus is still in awe of his friend's skill to hide in plain sight. 

“I should get my mum, she'll want to take a look at you.”

Before James can get up Sirius starts slightly. “Don’t bother her,” he says before slowly laying back down. “I’m fine.”

“You’re not fine.”

There’s an edge to James’ voice that only comes out when he is dealing with a Sirius-related problem. When he can’t get through Sirius’ stubbornness or anger. When Sirius won’t let him help. 

Sirius rolls his eyes. “I mean I’m not going to drop dead,” he says exasperatedly. “At least not at this moment.”

Sirius’ attempt at levity works and Remus can tell James wants to laugh. He hides his own smile. Then that flare of anger returns. Here is Sirius, master manipulator, thinking he can hide behind jokes and bravado. Not anymore.

“Why didn’t you tell us how bad it had gotten?” He asks.

Sirius has never been good at talking about his feelings or his reasoning behind certain actions and well it seems as though that hasn’t changed. “Well it’s not like any of you have been speaking to me lately.”

James pinches the bridge of his nose as if staving off a headache. “How about you try that answer again mate.”

Sirius squirms under their gazes looking nervous and Remus is hit with a sudden realization. This could have been festering since before the _Prank_ but it is especially evident now, Sirius doesn’t feel comfortable telling them the truth. Remus is sure that if he could get a glimpse into Sirius’ head he’d be listening to his friend edit responses, ready to supply them with an answer that sounded perfectly vague and not at all helpful.

“Things at home have never been good,” Sirius replies. He’s looking above their heads now. “You both know that.”

James and Remus share a look. They do know.

“Of course we know that Sirius but..” James looks to Remus, needing a lifeline. James tends to beat around the bush and Remus is more straightforward. They’re a pairing that works well when it comes to figuring out what’s wrong with their favorite dog.

“But your mother...what she did,” Remus starts to say. How could he word this? “What she did is different from normal and we want to know how and why things escalated.”

James nods but something in his expression changes when he notices Sirius’ guarded demeanor. “Mate you can tell us,” James says while gesturing to himself and Remus. “It’s _us_.”

Remus thinks about how different things would be if Peter were here. He thinks about how different things would be if the Prank hadn’t happened and his best friend wasn’t someone who acts with his heart and not his head. Through his anger and many questions, Remus knows if Sirius doesn’t open up now then he’s never going to. He’ll tell his jokes and slip his way back to James’ side and if it gets bad again they will be none the wiser.

The young werewolf looks up and for the first time in weeks looks Sirius in the eye. “It’s us.”

* * *

The summer before third year Remus had been counting down the days until it would end. Before Hogwarts, summer was a welcome escape from rude school children and piercing stares but now summer meant not seeing his friends for months.

Luckily he had been able to write letters to James and Peter who sounded like they had fun summers traveling or going over James’ house for quidditch. Of course, none of them had heard from Sirius who over the summer seemed to disappear and then re-emerge on Platform 9 ¾ at the start of term. 

Now that Remus was back on Platform 9 ¾ eagerly awaiting reuniting with his friends he felt himself feeling excited and a bit nervous. Third-year meant they were no longer at the bottom of the totem pole but it also meant more work and responsibilities.

“I can see you overthinking how the term will go,” a familiar voice said to him. Remus turned to see James and immediately his mood brightened.

“That obvious huh?”

“Always,” James replied with a smile. “Anyway let’s get a move on Peter is saving us spots on the train.”

Remus hugged his parents goodbye, nearly forgetting they were even there before following his friend through the crowd and onto the train.

“Sirius with Peter then?” Remus asked.

James turned to Remus and then stopped in front of a compartment. “He’s not here yet but I spoke to him a bit this summer and things at home weren’t great.”

James opened the door and stepped inside and Remus quickly followed. “But how?” He asked, a bit envious and a bit confused. “He never writes letters or answers any for that matter.”

“I have my methods,” James replied and Remus soon realized that was the end of that conversation.

“How was your summer, Pete?” He asked before sitting across from him. Once he got settled it didn’t take long for the train to start moving and in the midst of Remus catching up with his friend, he realized Sirius was still nowhere to be seen.

A bit more than halfway into the train ride their compartment door opened with a bang and none other than Sirius walked through. If it wasn’t already peculiar to have him joining them this late it was even more peculiar for Sirius to not be walking in alone.

“Sirius! Where have you been?” James exclaimed, excited to see his friend. “And uh...what’s Regulus doing with you?

Sirius turned around quickly as if startled. “Reggie I told you to stay with Cissy and Bella.”

Remus watched on in amusement. So this was the little brother Sirius was always talking about. He truly was the spitting image of his older brother just a few inches smaller.

“I don’t want to sit with them,” the youngest Black replied. “I already told you that.”

Sirius rolled his eyes and then gave Regulus what Remus thinks was supposed to be an intimidating look. “You can sit here for 10 minutes.” 

With that Sirius sat down and James quickly moved to his side. There was low murmuring and Remus thinks he heard Sirius whisper not now before cutting James off with a withering look. There was a beat of awkward silence before Sirius as he usually does filled the silence with his own words. 

“Well everyone this is my little brother, Reggie.”

Regulus rolled his eyes. “It’s Regulus and no need to introduce yourselves I know who you are,” he said, taking on that haughty tone Sirius sometimes did. “Mother has been talking about each of you _all_ summer.”

“That true Reg?” James asked. “She talked about us _all_ summer?” Regulus looked annoyed at being called Reg, particularly by James.

He answered with a curt. “Yes.”

James moved even closer to Sirius and turned towards him, obviously preparing to set up some stupid joke. Remus wanted to roll his eyes but he had to admit he missed his friend's antics. 

“Sirius old chap.” Regulus looked confusedly between James and Sirius. “Guess what I read in Witch Weekly just last week.” 

Sirius smirked slightly and moved his hand as though he was stroking a beard. “What did you read?”

James coughed lightly and Sirius rolled his eyes before tacking on “Old chap.”

“That talking about someone obsessively means you’re in love with them.” James wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. “And my pal Reg here says your mom has been talking about us _all_ summer.”

James and Sirius started snickering at their own dumb humor but it soon died down when Regulus spoke up. “I don’t think mudblood and blood traitor are particularly romantic words.”

It didn’t take long for Sirius’ demeanor to change. “I think your 10 minutes is up Reg.” 

Remus was sure it had been five minutes at most but after Sirius and Regulus had a silent staring contest it didn’t take long for the youngest Black to stalk out of their compartment and back to his cousins.

With Regulus gone Sirius seemed to deflate and for the first time since he entered the compartment Remus realized how tired his friend looked. Remus, James, and Peter shared a look. It was unsettling to see Sirius so visibly worn down.

“Sorry mate,” James said. “Went too far on that one maybe.”

Sirius shook his head. “Not his fault he’s just...” Sirius trailed off and ran a hand through his hair. “Doesn’t matter anyway.”

Remus could tell Sirius wanted the attention off of him. “I think we need to focus on what’s important here,” Remus said, gaining his friend's undivided attention. “Like finding out why James was reading his mother’s latest issue of Witch Weekly.”

After that, the entire train ride was spent teasing James.

* * *

“I’m absolutely stuffed,” James said while lying across the couch in the common room. The four of them had decided to claim this spot for the night and maybe even for the rest of the year if they were lucky. 

“Not nearly as stuffed as Sirius must be,” Peter piped up. “He nearly had three plates.”

Peter poking fun at Sirius was completely out of character but something Remus wouldn’t mind seeing more of. Remus looked over at Sirius who was clearly getting ready to answer Peter with something unkind. James cut him off before he could.

“You were unusually hungry tonight,” James said. “Food not as good in Grimmauld place?” 

James was as usual joking but Remus could hear something else in his voice. An undercurrent of worry. If Sirius heard it he didn’t react.

“Food was fine,” he replied. “When I was allowed to eat it.”

Peter, James, and Remus sat up at that response. “Allowed?”

“Well, when you continually tell your parents you oppose their views then sometimes you get sent to bed without dinner.” Sirius didn’t seem to think this was nearly as insane as his friends did. “Not an unjust punishment...but it did lead to me eating a bit more than usual tonight.”

James was giving Sirius a look Remus had never seen on him before. “Anyway wipe those shocked look off your faces, boys.” It was obvious Sirius was trying to change the darkened mood. “I’ve had worse punishments.”

Those words weren’t as reassuring as Sirius believed them to be.

* * *

It was taking a long time for Sirius to speak. 

“There wasn’t anything in particular,” Sirius says while chewing on his bottom lip. “Well actually there was but-“ he looks away from the two of them and seems to get lost in his own head.

James and Remus exchange a look. “Sirius,” James says, trying to bring his friend back to the present. It takes a moment but Sirius looks back at the two of them and blinks a bit. 

“Have you heard from Regulus?”

The question and change of subject take both boys off guard. “I spoke to him briefly yesterday,” James admits. “Through the mirrors.”

Remus smiles slightly thinking back to third-year when James wouldn’t reveal how he had been speaking to Sirius all summer without ever writing a letter. After some prodding, the glasses-clad boy admitted to Remus that he had a two-way mirror that had been coming in handy where Sirius was concerned.

“Is he ok?” 

James scoffs. “He’s understandably rattled after watching his older brother nearly die.”

Remus can tell an argument is just around the corner and intervenes. “As you can imagine Sirius all of us are more than a bit rattled.” 

Some of the tension leaves James’ shoulders. “Which is why it would be helpful if you told us what happened.”

Remus looks over at Sirius and is blindsided by how young and small his friend looks laying in bed. On a normal day, Sirius is larger than life, commanding the attention of everyone in a room, but right now he looks as though a gust of wind could knock him over. He looks like he did at 11 years old when his parents sent those letters after the sorting incident. He looks how he did in his second year when Remus found him sitting alone in the astronomy tower. He has that same weariness he did on the train to Hogwarts in his third year. Remus feels a mix of sadness and anger thinking about the shell Walburga and Orion Black manage to reduce their son to on a yearly basis. 

“We want to know so we can help you, Sirius,” he says. “Get you out of that house once and for all.”

Sirius seems to regain his bearings at those words. “I can’t leave.”

James stands up, clearly shocked. “Can’t leave - uh did I miss something?”

Sirius seems to be using all of his strength to carry through with this conversation. “I can’t leave Regulus in that house.” 

Although Remus has spent the past few weeks avoiding Sirius like the plague he can already feel this overbearing need to protect his reckless, idiot of a friend.

“Sirius — your parents have never hurt Regulus as they have you,” he says trying to get their friend to see reason. “It’s not safe for you to stay there.”

“You both wouldn’t understand so please don’t lecture me on whether they have or haven’t hurt Regulus.” There was that familiar Sirius Black anger. “Besides I don’t think anything like this will happen again.”

“It doesn’t matter if something like _this_ happens again,” Remus says. “It happened once and that’s enough.” 

Sirius puts his head in his hands. “With me gone they’ll ruin him.”

James and Remus pause for a moment unsure if they are hearing anything their friend is saying correctly. Here was Sirius, awake after days in and out of consciousness after his mother used an unforgivable on him. Telling his friends that he would in fact be returning home to loneliness, dark magic, and pain to protect a brother he barely speaks to anymore. Which begs the question: what does Sirius believe will happen to Regulus with him gone?

“Sirius I need you to be practical right now,” James says before taking a chair and sitting directly next to Sirius’ bed. “You cannot go back there.”

At those words, something seems to break. “Why do either of you care what happens to me after what I did?”

That question and the answer are too big to broach right now. To get Sirius to understand that being angry at someone doesn’t equal not loving them is a concept Remus is unsure Sirius will be able to grasp. 

“I might be angry at you right now but it’s only because I care,” Remus finds himself saying. “It’s because I know you and expect better.”

“Well let me tell you something Remus,” Sirius says. “Expect good things from a Black and you’ll get disappointed every time.” 

“No,” James speaks up looking furious. “You don’t get to deflect with self-deprecating comments.”

“Self-deprecating,” Sirius says with a slight smirk. “Someone has been reading their dictionary I see.”

“Or with humor,” Remus replies. “Try to get us off this subject all you want Black but I was there after the sorting and I found you in second year holed up in the astronomy tower.”

James looks at Sirius with his eyebrows raised. “And let’s not forget third year when you came back from summer break hungry and exhausted.”

* * *

Once they were in bed that night Remus found himself unable to sleep. Sirius admitting that his parents would send him to be bed without dinner was more than unsettling. Especially since he spoke about it with such nonchalance as if that was normal. His inner voice piped up: _maybe that’s normal for him_.

Remus was brought out of his thoughts when he heard a whimper. It took a moment for him to realize the noise was coming from the bed next to his. 

“Sirius.”

He quickly got up and made his way over. Sirius was tangled up in his sheets, sweat on his forehead clearly in the throes of a nightmare. “No, no not that please,” Sirius muttered. “Just the boggart for tonight.”

Remus started to shake Sirius awake. “Sirius you have to wake up Sirius.” Trying to whisper but also bring his friend back to reality wasn’t working.

“I know what to do but he won’t like it,” James said appearing at Remus’ side.

“Aguamenti,” James said before a splash of water hit Sirius in the face and he instantly woke up. 

“What - why did you?” Sirius spluttered.

“You were having a nightmare.”

James sat down on the bed and motioned for Remus to do the same. Sirius did a hot air charm before peeking around the corner to see if Peter was still asleep. He was. 

“Sorry meant to do a Muffliato charm before bed.” He closed his bed curtains and sat back. “You two can go back to sleep now.”

Remus and James shared a look. “Honestly Sirius I wanted to talk to you anyway after dinner about what you said-”

Remus stopped talking after one look. “I don’t want to talk about that and I don’t need to,” Sirius said. “My mistake for oversharing.”

“Don’t do that Sirius. Don’t shut us out,” James said while looking his friend in the eye. They had one of their silent conversations before Sirius sighed. 

“This summer my parents would lock me in a room with a boggart,” Sirius revealed while not looking either of them in the eye.

“What!” James exclaimed. “They can’t do that - that’s not..”

“It’s actually perfectly legal, “Sirius said. “Just not the most pleasant punishment.”

Remus had to take a moment to collect himself. It seemed every year he was finding out some terrible information about the way Sirius was treated at home. 

“So that’s why you looked so exhausted on the train,” Remus said. “Did you get any sleep over the summer?”

Sirius stayed silent.

“You don’t have to talk to us if you don’t want Sirius but I just need you to know that getting sent to bed without food and having to sit in a room confronted by your worst fear night after night,” James said while looking Sirius in the eye. “You don’t deserve it.”

Sirius smiled slightly. “A few nightmares are nothing I can’t handle.”

Remus looked at Sirius who was slightly thinner than he should be. Who had bags around his eyes and tear stains still on his cheeks. The perfect picture of someone who couldn’t handle it.

* * *

“In third year I was 12 going on 13 and I wasn’t always the best at keeping my emotions in check,” Sirius says. “But I could handle it and I still can now."

James groans in frustration. "What we're saying is that you no longer have to handle it."

Remus nods in agreement.

"You can stay here and live with me," James says. "I've already worked it out with my parents."

Sirius shakes his head. "I am going back home and I don't care what they do to me next."

Remus stands up, "Sirius what could be so bad that you're willing to risk your life to get back to Regulus."

What Sirius says next is barely discernable.

"Um, could you repeat that mate?" James asks.

Sirius closes his eyes for a moment looking as if this confession will take the remainder of his energy.

"If I'm no longer there my parents will make sure Regulus becomes a death eater."

Remus and James look at each other for once unsure what to say next. 


	4. Fourth Year, 1974 (& 75)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus remembers that no one should listen when Sirius Black says he's ok.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow took me forever to update this and quite frankly this chapter kind of took on a mind of its own. Also realizing that I have to wrap this story up in 2 more chapters yikes. Hope you enjoy and thank you to those that have left comments and kudos.

Remus sits back down in shock. “Sirius, your parents aren’t following the Dark Lord officially right? I mean I know you had suspicions but-“

“They are,” Sirius replies. He doesn’t say anything else and Remus takes note of how exhausted he looks. This conversation has definitely been taking its toll.

“Does this have something to do with what happened?” James asks. “Did they hurt you because you didn’t want to become a Death Eater?”

There’s silence broken only by a shuddering sigh that Sirius releases before pressing his palms into his eyes. 

“Yes.”

“Oh, Sirius-“

Before James can continue there’s a soft knock and Euphemia Potter is opening the door. 

“I thought I heard voices in here,” she says before stepping inside. “Oh, Sirius you’re awake thank Merlin.” Remus can’t help but smile slightly at how much she just sounded like her son. 

She turns towards James and Remus with a look in her eyes that scares the both of them. “I thought I told you, boys, to get me once Sirius woke up.”

“Uh well..”

“He um...didn’t..”

Sirius cuts in looking slightly amused. “I told them not to bother you.” 

Euphemia’s expression quickly softens as she turns towards Sirius. “You’re never a bother love,” she says before moving her wand over his body and taking a diagnostic. “Now let’s take a look at you.”

As Euphemia checks his vitals Remus can tell Sirius is using sheer willpower to stay awake. His eyes keep fluttering closed before he forces them open again. There’s a bit of sweat gathering on his brow.

“You’re doing better but I still don’t want you overexerting yourself.” She gives him a pointed look before grabbing a glass of water from the nightstand and motioning as if she will help him drink it. 

“I don’t think I can overexert myself while sitting in bed,” Sirius replies before taking the glass from her hand. Not one to be seen as weak.

“I mean overexerting yourself by having long conversations with your friends as soon as you wake up,” Euphemia replies before putting a hand on his forehead. Remus isn’t sure if he realizes it but Sirius immediately leans into her touch. She takes the glass of water from him.

“You’re exhausted and a bit warm.” Before Euphemia can say another word James appears at his mother’s side with a damp washcloth. She smiles gratefully and lays it atop Sirius’ head. “So no more talking for you today, just rest.”

“You don’t need to coddle me, Euphemia,” Sirius says while looking up at her. “But thank you.”

With that, he closes his eyes and is dead to the world within moments. Remus taps James on the shoulder and motions for them to leave the room. 

“Even on his deathbed he doesn’t know how to accept help,” James says while shaking his head. “Stubborn git.”

Remus nods distractedly, starting to think about something that happened during their fourth year.

They both head downstairs and sit at the kitchen table.

“We should send a letter to Peter,” Remus says. “Let him know how Sirius is doing.”

James nods. “We can do that but I don’t know if he’ll reply.”

“Why not?” Remus asks. “You know he hates it when he’s not in the loop.”

James gives Remus a look. “Well, he’s furious at Sirius still because of the...incident.” 

Remus looks down. 

“Aren’t you?”

“I’m trying not to think about it,” Remus admits. “At least not right now.”

James nods. “Just because this happened doesn’t mean you have to forgive him.” 

Remus blinks at James in surprise. He was sure James would be arguing that Sirius has suffered enough at this point but maybe his glasses-clad friend hasn’t fully forgiven Sirius either.

“Well either way I’m going to have to talk to him now I suppose,” Remus admits. “Turns out if he isn’t friends with us for five seconds he’ll nearly get himself killed.”

James scoffs. “He barely wanted to tell us what happened.” James walks to a cupboard, takes out a tin of biscuits, and puts it on the table. “You would think we’re the ones who betrayed his trust.”

Remus quickly grabs a biscuit and scarfs it down. “He barely wanted to let us know something was wrong when we were speaking to him.”

James sits down and buries his head in his hands. “We’re too young to be dealing with these things.” Then because he can never be serious for too long. “I’m going to go grey by 15 at this rate.”

Remus smiles but it quickly fades. “What happened upstairs reminds me of fourth year.”

“Fourth year?” James questions. He grabs a biscuit and starts munching on it with a thoughtful look on his face.

“Yes...that motorcycle accident that we never speak of."

James looks down. “Oh, that.”

Remus nods. “He didn’t want our help then either.”

“Suppose we should have pushed him on it more.”

Remus grabs another biscuit and realizes he’s going to need way more than this to tide him over until dinner. “Suppose we should have."

* * *

Remus sat down in their usual compartment on the train and tried his best to stifle a groan. The full moon was only a few days earlier and it was a bad one. His parents had tried to convince him to stay home and miss school for a few days but he had insisted on heading back to Hogwarts on time.

He wanted to feel normal for once if that was possible. Plus, Severus had been asking a lot of questions lately about his whereabouts and he needed to throw off as much suspicion as he could.

“You alright mate?” James asked turning away from the window to give Remus a once over.

Remus nodded. “I’ll be fine.”

James frowned. “You should go straight to Madam Pomfrey as soon as we get back.”

Peter who usually wasn’t one to say much in these situations spoke up. “I’ll save you some food from the feast just make sure you go.”

Remus smiled gratefully before closing his eyes and signaling that he wanted to sleep. Before he could there was a slight commotion.

“Oi there he is!” James said. “Do you think he looks a bit odd?”

There was a beat of silence. “Looks as grumpy as he usually does post Christmas break.”

James grunted. “I suppose.”

Remus opened his eyes and looked out the window. He quickly found Sirius among the crowd of people. The Black family stuck out like sore thumbs dressed in dark colors, their faces each painted with a grimace. Quite the contrast to the happy families surrounding them.

Orion tightened his grip on Sirius’ shoulder before leaning and whispering something in his son's ear. A flicker of fear crossed Sirius’ face but it was gone as quickly as it came. Remus, James, and Peter moved away from the window once Sirius and Regulus started walking toward the train not wanting to get caught staring.

Soon enough Sirius was standing in front of their compartment door prepared to open it until a small hand pulled him back. Remus watched as Regulus and Sirius had a hushed conversation.

“He looks worried,” Remus noted. 

James looked over. “Sirius?”

“Regulus,” Peter replied, ever so observant.

The brothers' conversation ended and Sirius sent a rare soft smile Regulus’ way before opening and closing the compartment door. Effectively ending their communication for the rest of the train ride and maybe even for the rest of the term.

“What was that about?” James asked before moving over so that Sirius could sit next to him. 

Sirius ignored him and put his trunk in the overhead compartment. It seemed like it was taking much more effort than usual. James stood up quickly and helped, looking at Sirius with a concerned glance.

“Thanks,” Sirius said, looking significantly paler than he had seconds ago. 

James placed a hand on his shoulder. “Are you alright?”

As if suddenly remembering he was on the train and in front of his three observant friends Sirius straightened up and turned around. “Fine just felt a bit lightheaded for a moment there. I probably just need something to eat.”

It was a surprise admission from Sirius who usually had to be pushed into telling them anything was remotely wrong. Remus realized that meant he must be hiding something else.

Once James was done his hovering Sirius turned towards Peter and Remus probably preparing to distract them all by asking about their Christmas breaks but once he saw Remus he frowned. 

“Besides I don’t think I’m the one anyone needs to worry about.” Sirius sat down gingerly. 

“Bad moon Remus?” Sirius asked in a whisper as if there were other people in the compartment that could eavesdrop on their conversation. 

Remus blinked, always taken aback by Sirius’ softer side.

“Yea but I’ll be alright,” he replied. “Not dead yet.”

Sirius’ frown didn’t go away. “Not funny, when we get to school I’ll take you straight to Pomfrey.”

Remus nodded tiredly. “Alright.”

* * *

Once the carriages had taken them back to Hogwarts Remus had to admit he was grateful to be going to Madam Pomfrey. He needed the relief dittany and sleeping draught brought. The gauze he put on his fresh scars was not doing enough and his entire body ached. 

“Let’s get you some help alright mate,” a voice to his left said. His brain was becoming a bit foggy with fatigue but he could tell it was James. 

“It’s alright,” another voice said. “You two go to the feast and I’ll walk him there.” Remus looked over and saw Sirius who quickly looped his arm under Remus’.

“Let’s go shall we, don’t want to draw too much attention.” 

Unfortunately, at that moment, Sirius forgot how much attention he tended to attract. 

“Heading to the Great Hall Sirius?” Mary asked. Seeming to have eyed him out in the crowd of students. Lily and Marlene were by her side as usual. 

Remus held back a groan. Sirius and Mary had recently started dating or at least snogging on a regular basis which was fine but somehow all of their conversations seemed to turn into some type of argument and tonight he did not want to be in the middle of it.

“Can’t talk right now sorry Mary,” Sirius replied.

Mary rolled her eyes. “What did we talk about before break?”

Sirius looked up at the ceiling as if he could find help there. “Oh please do remind me.”

“We discussed that if I was going to be-“

Remus could feel the beginnings of a headache coming on and he leaned a bit more of his weight onto Sirius.

“Um sorry to interrupt what I’m sure was about to be a very entertaining lovers quarrel but Sirius and Remus do have to be on their way,” James spoke up.

“On their way where?” Lily asked, always skeptical where Sirius was concerned.

“Hospital wing,” Remus admitted hoping that would end the conversation.

Mary immediately stopped talking and looked over at Remus. Her face softened. “Oh no Remus are you sick again?” She swatted Sirius on the shoulder. 

Sirius flinched. “Ow, what was that for?”

“Why didn’t you just say you needed to take Remus to the hospital wing.”

Sirius scowled. “Last time I checked you don’t need to know what I’m doing at all times.”

Remus knew someone had to intervene because Sirius was on edge and obviously prepared to argue with Mary for the rest of the night. 

“I didn’t want anyone to know,” Remus said. “But now you all do so we’ll be going.”

Mary’s face softened once again. “Feel better Remus.”

She glowered at Sirius before turning away and walking to the Great Hall. James and Peter followed them in.

“Honestly that woman,” Sirius muttered as they started to walk.

“You could’ve been a bit nicer.”

“Nicer!” Sirius' pace quickened. “I am trying to get _you_ to the hospital wing to prevent someone from seeing you keel over, sorry for being so focused on the mission at hand that I couldn’t entertain Mary’s pointless conversation.”

“Keel over I don’t-”

“You do look like you’re going to keel over at any moment actually,” Sirius said. “Don’t try to deny it.”

Remus wanted to disagree with Sirius once more but before he could someone else made their presence known.

“You really do look unwell Lupin.”

Remus quickly turned around although his body was protesting his every moment. He could feel Sirius tense up beside him. 

“Stalking us now are you Snivellus?” Sirius asked. 

“Stalking, don’t flatter yourself, Black,” Snape replied. “Just noticed you two weren’t headed to the Great Hall with everyone else and wanted to make sure you weren’t causing any trouble.”

Sirius scoffed. “You’re not Head Boy yet Snivellus and even if you were our whereabouts wouldn’t concern you.” He pulled out his wand. “But if you would like us to cause some trouble tonight I wouldn’t mind causing some right now.”

Snape’s eyes widened a bit before he schooled his expression. “Is your first thought always to resort to violence?” Snape asked before backing away. “You really are a Black.”

“Why you little-”

Remus held him back. “No Sirius - he’s not worth it.”

Snape smirked, happy to have hit a nerve. “Have a good trip to the hospital wing Lupin.”

Remus and Sirius watched as he turned the corner. 

“I’m going to kill him one of these days,” Sirius said while adjusting himself so Remus could loop his arm over Sirius's shoulders. “I really am.”

The rest of their walk to the hospital wing was spent in silence. It didn’t take long for Poppy to come out of her office when she heard the doors open. 

“Oh you boys look dreadful,” She said while guiding them to a bed. “What trouble have you already gotten yourselves into?”

Remus looked up at her in confusion then over at Sirius who now that he was truly looking, did seem paler than he should be.

“Oh nothing’s wrong with me,” Sirius quickly replied. “I’m just making sure Remus got here in one piece.”

Poppy eyed him skeptically before turning to Remus and muttering about how he needed to take better care of himself. After she put dittany on his scars and gave him a sleeping draught Poppy turned towards Sirius.

“Mr. Black are you sure you’re alright?” She asked.

Remus turned toward Sirius who was sitting on the edge of one of the beds looking as if he was trying to fold in on himself. His normal perfect posture, forgotten.

Remus knew Pomfrey had a sixth sense where students' health was concerned and maybe she was seeing right through Sirius Black in a way most people couldn’t.

“Fine, just a bit tired,” Sirius replied. “I stayed up late last night...packing.”

Remus thought about the train ride when Sirius said he was light-headed from lack of food. This was another admission that something was wrong but it was once again not the truth. 

“Anyway I should get going and let you take care of your favorite patient,” Sirius said before winking at Remus.

Poppy looked between the two boys. “Alright,” she replied, realizing she wasn’t going to get anything else out of Sirius. “Get some rest, Remus, if you need me I’ll be in my office.”

Remus nodded feeling the effects of the sleeping draught starting to take hold. 

“Sleep well Sleeping Beauty,” Sirius said. Sounding much closer than before.

When Remus opened his eyes again he could have sworn he saw Sirius slide a roll of gauze up his sleeve. Before he could ask Sirius what he was doing darkness edged into his vision and he was asleep. 

* * *

“We’re all out of biscuits,” Remus says forlornly.

James sighs. “We could do some flying!”

Remus stays silent.

“Alright fine, no flying.”

Remus looks around the kitchen and into the Potter’s living room where the Christmas tree sits. Its lights turned off. Just a few days ago it was a celebration, now in the new year, everyone is reminded of how quickly good things can turn bad. 

“You think Sirius enjoys creating chaos wherever he goes?” Remus isn’t sure why he’s asking James this of all people.

James shrugs. “It is one of his best talents.”

Remus shakes his head. Thinking of the prank and his furry little secret and nosy Slytherins and the fact that even at 15, almost 16 he cannot be guaranteed a normal life. Suddenly he sees red, grabs the empty biscuit tin, and throws it across the room. That does nothing to quell his anger. 

“I’m furious at him James,” Remus admits. He has stood up now and so has James who has his hands out and eyes wide as if trying to tame a beast. That makes Remus even angrier.

“You have every right to be angry Remus,” James says.

“How am I supposed to trust him again?” Remus asks. “Even upstairs I almost felt like I was betraying myself just by speaking to him.” 

James seems to deflate as he sits back down. “He broke your trust and he has to earn it back,” James says. “I don’t know how he will but you staying by his side through this doesn’t mean you’ve forgiven him or that you trust him it just means you're a good person."

Remus sits back down. “But does he know that?”

“It’s Sirius,” James replies. “He knows.”

Remus can’t help but feel a twinge of sadness. “Leave it to him to sabotage the best relationships he has in his life.”

James laughs humorlessly. “One of his other talents.”

“I don’t understand why he did this,” Remus says.

He has been trying to figure out for weeks what could have motivated Sirius to pull this prank. To Remus, this wasn’t much of a prank at all. What it could be categorized as is premeditated...well he doesn’t want to think about what it could be categorized as.

“He thought he was protecting you,” James says. “He was being serious when he said that.”

Remus shakes his head. “How could he not have realized that he was putting my life in danger in the process?”

“Well for someone so smart he makes stupid fucking choices,” James replies. “You know this.”

Remus laughs. “His lack of foresight is astounding.” 

He finds his mind wandering back to their fourth year. When they were once again dealing with the fallout of Sirius’ bad decisions.

* * *

“Remus,” Mary said as he sat down. “Glad to see you’re doing better.”

Remus smiled gratefully. “Thanks, Mary, sorry if I was a bit snappy the other night.”

“It’s alright,” Mary replied. “You’re the sweet one Remus. I can forgive you for being snappy.”

Remus laughed as he piled breakfast food onto his plate. He ended up being in the hospital wing for longer than he planned and missed the first two days of classes. No one had come to visit while he was bedridden which was a bit odd, especially since his friends had been overly concerned only a couple of days ago. Instead of heading to Gryffindor tower, he decided to go straight to the Great Hall assuming everyone would be there for breakfast. Turned out he was wrong. 

“Do you happen to know where James, Sirius, and Peter are?” He asked. 

Mary looked down at her food with an upset look on her face. “Sirius seems to have caught what you had.” She looked up. “James has been taking care of him and won’t let me help at all.”

Remus nearly choked. _Caught what he had?_

Lily who usually tried to avoid any conversation where the Marauders were concerned cut in. “Mary I don’t think snogging is exactly the help Sirius needs right now.”

Mary turned towards her. “So you admit he is sick.”

Remus looked between them both realizing there was context he was missing. 

“I’ll admit I thought he was trying to skip class as usual,” Lily replied. “But I saw him in the common room last night and he looked dreadful.”

Mary looked confused. “What was he doing in the common room?”

“He was coming back from somewhere,” Lily replied. “I don’t know I try not to pay too much attention where Sirius Black is concerned.”

Remus tuned them out, his mind stuck on the words: _Sirius seems to have caught what you had_.

“I’ll see you both later,” he said before standing up and abandoning his plate of food. He got to Gryffindor tower in record time and ran to their room.

As Remus approached he could hear James and Sirius arguing. 

“Sirius stop being so-”

The arguing ceased once Remus opened the door. He took in the scene quickly. Peter was standing close to the door looking as if he was prepared to get help or run from the commotion. James was facing Sirius, looking livid, an emotion that didn’t look right on his face. Then there was Sirius who looked pale, clammy, and in dire need of more than James Potter’s care.

“Oh Remus,” James said. “Thought you might’ve been Mary.”

Remus stood at the door unsure of how to respond and not yet able to take his eyes off Sirius.

“Uh close the door would you Remus,” Peter spoke up. 

He stepped into the room and closed the door behind him. “I was at breakfast and Mary told me you were sick,” Remus said. “More specifically she said you must have caught what I had.”

Remus was met with silence as he walked farther into the room. His friends turned towards him as he continued speaking. “So I came back here to see what was going on considering no one can _catch_ what I have.”

At that moment Remus assumed Sirius would be the first one to speak up and explain himself but instead he seemed to be folding in on himself as if trying not to be seen. The same way he had in the hospital wing. 

“Well?”

“Oh no Mary is right Sirius is sick,” James replied. “In the head that is.”

“Hey!” Sirius cried indignantly.

"You are!” James said. “I’ve never met anyone who would rather risk dying than getting help from a medical professional.”

Sirius sat down on his bed looking as if a small gust of wind could knock him over. “I am not dying.”

Remus looked between them confused. “Sirius, why don’t you want to go to Madam Pomfrey?”

Sirius looked over at him through half-lidded eyes, his entire body leaning heavily against his bed column. “It’s not that big of a deal not worth bothering her for.”

“It wouldn’t be a bother Sirius taking care of students is literally her job,” James replied, sounding as if he had tried to explain this multiple times.

“Well, what exactly is the problem?” Remus asked. “If you don’t want to go to Madam Pomfrey maybe we could help.”

“Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!” James said while clapping sarcastically. “That’s the million-dollar question that Sirius won’t answer.”

Remus realized he would have to play peacemaker because James was getting that edge to his voice that only came out when Sirius was involved.

“Ok, then how did you know something was wrong with him?”

Peter made a sort of squeaking noise as if he was afraid of what he was about to say. “Well for one, look at him.”

Sirius’ eyes went wide but he had no scathing retort to that statement. “I just need a couple of days to rest and recuperate,” Sirius said. 

“You’ve had your couple of days,” James replied. “Need I remind you that we heard you getting sick last night, you have a high fever and _oh yea_ you nearly fainted on our first day back to class.”

Remus took all that information in and looked over at Sirius trying to figure out what was wrong? _Was it the flu? Was it some weird magic-related illness he didn’t want them to know about? What would make him feel too embarrassed...no too ashamed to get help from Madam Pomfrey?_ His inner dialogue was interrupted by the man of the hour.

“You all worry too much,” Sirius said. “Let me sleep and I promise I’ll be better soon.” 

Before Sirius closed his bed curtains he looked over at Remus and that’s when the young werewolf saw it, recognized that look. Sirius was in pain but doing a good job of hiding it. Or maybe his flu-like symptoms were masking the real source of the issue.

“What hurts?” Remus asked.

James looked as if he wanted to say something but Remus shook his head quickly. Sirius looked like a deer caught in headlights. 

“Tell us, Sirius,” Remus said. “I can see it in your eyes, don’t bullshit me.” 

“I- it’s nothing really - I,” Sirius fumbled, his usual eloquence forgotten.

“Mate it’s alright,” James said, his voice and demeanor softer. “You can tell us.”

Remus and Peter also moved closer to Sirius who was silent once again. 

“It’s _us_.” James, Peter, and Remus looked at their friend expectantly. 

“It’s just my stomach,” Sirius lied.

Remus narrowed his eyes and thought back to the train ride, to the hospital wing, and to how Sirius looked now. “It’s your back isn’t it?”

“N-no,” he choked out. “I just said it was my-”

“Your stomach yes, but we know you’re lying.” 

It was a small thing but they watched as Sirius moved slightly away from them looking as if he was ready to push himself against his headboard and fend them off.

“What don’t you want us to know?” James asked.

Remus was shocked, for the first time in all the years Remus had known him Sirius looked scared.

“It’s us or Madam Pomfrey who sees it first,” James told Sirius. The glasses-clad boy often assumed a leadership role in their mish-mashed dynamic seeing as he was the best at making them all feel seen and included but right now he was projecting a different kind of authority. 

Sirius nodded accepting defeat and started to take his shirt off. “I think it’s infected so it looks worse than it is.”

Remus and James shared a look. “I didn't want to tell anyone because over break I did something stupid and hurt myself and that’s how I got-”

“Sirius!” The three of them gasped once they saw. Remus wanted to look away but at the same time, he couldn’t get himself to stop staring. 

James stood up. “Who did this to you?”

“No one,” Sirius replied. “Over the break, I snuck out to muggle London and got injured trying to ride a motorcycle.” He ran a hand through his hair. “It’s a long and embarrassing story really.”

“No Sirius,” James said. “That's the exact type of story _you_ would be bragging about.” 

Remus wasn’t following their conversation but alarm bells were slowly starting to go off in his head. 

“Your back I mean it looks…” Remus’s voice trailed off. “You need to go to the hospital wing.”

“You said it’s you or Madam Pomfrey,” Sirius replied. “I showed you.”

“That was before any of us saw your back.” Remus moved closer to Sirius. “I mean goodness Sirius it’s definitely infected and this was clearly done by _someone_ , not _something_.”

James sat down as if his next words were a weight too heavy to bear. “This was your parents.”

All the air in the room was sucked out as Sirius seemed to lose all color. 

“Don’t say a word to anyone.”

Remus sat down on his bed feeling sick. He knew Sirius’ parents weren’t always friendly or even kind, that their punishment methods were a bit eccentric but this, this was something else entirely. 

“What did they do to you?” Remus asked.

“Nothing I didn’t deserve,” Sirius replied. He was trying to be nonchalant but Remus could hear the undercurrent of worry. This was information Sirius had never intended for them to know.

“Sirius there is nothing you could have done that would warrant this kind of punishment,” James replied. 

Sirius laughed humorlessly. “I think Orion and Walburga would disagree.”

Remus felt the breath leave him. Sirius’ back looked as if it had been cut into and then haphazardly stitched back together. There was also bruising but whether those were old or new bruises he couldn’t be sure.

“We’re taking you to Madam Pomfrey,” James said. 

Sirius put his shirt back on. “There’s no we this isn’t going to be a spectacle.”

They gaped at him. “God would you quit being so stubborn!” James exclaimed.

“No I mean it,” Sirius replied. “Remus you should go to class you’ve already missed two days and Peter you go too. I've made you late for your morning lessons and I know you hate that.”

Peter and Remus looked at each other not sure if they should listen.

“James you can take me to Madam Pomfrey if you’re so inclined,” Sirius said sarcastically. “But let me make something clear.” He leveled them all with a look and Remus remembered just how intimidating Sirius could be when he wanted to.

“I got into a motorcycle accident. I tried to fix the injuries myself and they got worse,” Sirius said. “That’s the story, alright?”

They quickly nodded. “Good, now get to class you two.”

Remus felt as though he was on autopilot grabbing his bag and his books. His mind was still reeling from the information they learned. “Ready Peter?”

Peter nodded but looked unsure. At least Remus was not alone in thinking all of this was absurd. 

“Oh, and before you two go, one more thing,” Sirius said. He was standing now with the help of James but he still looked like one poke could send him crumbling. “Once I’m all taken care of we will never discuss this incident again.

* * *

Remus rubs a hand over his face and tries to shake away his memories from the year before. “Why do we ever listen to him?”

“Well I have been told that everyone has to listen when a Black is speaking, “James replies. He has a slight smile on his face as if remembering something amusing.

“Yes,” another voice agrees. “Has to do something with my ancient and noble blood.”

Remus quickly looks over and sees Sirius standing at the bottom of the stairs. He has a familiar look in his eye but there is still that nervous energy. As if Sirius will not walk fully into the kitchen unless someone invites him in. James notices it too and pulls out the chair next to him.

“Shouldn’t you be in bed?” Remus asks.

Sirius slowly makes his way over to them and sits down. “Shouldn’t you two?” He retorts. “I know I’m the one that just got hit by the unforgivable but you both look dreadful.”

Remus feels the air change slightly as the words unforgivable tumble out of Sirius’ mouth. Of course, he knows what happened but hearing Sirius say it, in that nonchalant tone. He feels sick.

“After all these years I don’t know why I thought you would listen to my mom’s simple orders to get some rest,” James says. 

Sirius is looking across the room at the tin of biscuits that are now sitting on the floor. “I’ve been sleeping for days besides I came down here to talk.”

“Talk?” Remus asks.

Sirius nods. “I think it’s about time.”

Remus swallows past the lump in his throat. “I suppose it is.”

Sirius looks at him. “Ok well, to start I’m sorry if-”

“No not about that,” Remus cuts in. “Let’s start a bit earlier.”

James and Sirius share a confused look.

“Tell us exactly what happened during Christmas break in fourth year.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. I've had this idea for a while but was never sure about actually publishing it but hey why not. This will be about 6 or 7 parts.


End file.
